Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.