Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

my favorite genre of twitter

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*