In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.

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Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.


I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”


I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.


ME: *makes my first million*

MY BOSS AT THE U.S. MONEY PRINTING PRESS: yeah, we usually don’t make em bigger than a hundred


If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.


i just watched a girl in class look confused during the lecture then literally open up her laptop and change her major


*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”


me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer

guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that


Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver