In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
You Might Also Like
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.