In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
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Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock