In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
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Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.