in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
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I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
So glad we cleared that up
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
So creative 😂
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
this is how life feels
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
