in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
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*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Lol.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
This raises questions
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good