Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️