Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge