[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35