Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Limited budget

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!