Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

🤣

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.