You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
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After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
spicy snake
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.