In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
You Might Also Like
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Why am I like this?
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
“Why you watching this shit?”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
goldfish mafia
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin