In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
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if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
so this horse walks into a bar
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.