Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

mentally somewhere in italy

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

peeping toms

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing