In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.