Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

based al yankovic

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.