Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

Yes

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.