My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
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I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Uh oh…
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!