Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

oh shit

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer