Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

#have a #great #PancakeDay

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ