In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
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When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.