In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
No regrets in 2018
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day