In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
You Might Also Like
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
#Caturday
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Do not steal food from the science building!
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.