In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
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“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!