In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
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I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room