In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Never be a pizza!
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too