Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

Maths meets science

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

“you recording!?”

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago