Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

I can’t stop laughing at this

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone