Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Always

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”