In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
good let them take over I have had enough
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Mad Max: Furry Road
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop