in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
You Might Also Like
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
me to God
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula