in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
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*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Trying
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.