Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian