In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
You Might Also Like
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Got ya covered
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]