In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal