Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

This made me smile…

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

He just like my cat fr

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf