Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

no

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.