Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

why isn’t he texting back

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Crying is a sign of leakness.