Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

You’re not my real can

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.