Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

Art by Pastelkatto

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it