Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.