Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.