Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Nice try, NASA

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!