Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

describing stardew valley

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

the world’s most popular steaming services

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…