In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
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*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
My dream car is a taco truck.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol