Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

This hospital has everything

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”