Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.