Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

won’t smith

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow