In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
The three genders
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
never stops being funny