In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
@funTweeters
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore