In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.