In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
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if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
tag yourself
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
multitasking lunch
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.