In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
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I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
They got Raph!
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.