In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
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Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money