In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
ok this is my dumbest yet
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too