In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
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I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*