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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I’m aging like a fine banana
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Put this video in the Louvre
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.