@scharpling

In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says “what the hell is that” when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.

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@ParkerTheKing

I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.

@mack44_d

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 36: Has one tiny little sip of water after 9 PM and has to get up and pee two times before 2 AM.

@JohnLyonTweets

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

@QwertyJones3

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

@dlicj

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

@TheChalupa1

If you wanna get into my pants, feel free.

They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

@Reverend_Scott

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING