Me in quarantine vs the story imma tell my grandkids.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says “what the hell is that” when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.
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I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 36: Has one tiny little sip of water after 9 PM and has to get up and pee two times before 2 AM.
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”
Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
If you wanna get into my pants, feel free.
They’re over there on the floor. Haven’t worn them in months.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING