Ten seconds. Not bad.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says “what the hell is that” when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.
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6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
toddler: Lets go get a cake
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
*Slowly breaks up with you, word by word, during a game of Scrabble.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops