I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
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“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!