In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Can you solve the riddle??
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free