In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.