Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

😂

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.