In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
welcome back
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish