Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Me too

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.