Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”