Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.