[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
You Might Also Like
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Good morning
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.