[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?