[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right