[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
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I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor