Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

It will always be this

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.