In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
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I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor