In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
You Might Also Like
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?