Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Ha

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…